Know this before continuing: neither sex, nor masturbation, is, in and of itself, “un-Stoic” or “un-mansculine” — nor is it, just for the record, un-feminine.
I’ll stay out of the lane of Evolutionary Biologists after saying this, but I feel we can be certain that no human behaviour is evolved for no reason — whether that’s picking our noses, sneezing, or masturbating, it’s all human, and it's all natural.
What I think most individuals asking this question are actually struggling with is the morphing of masturbation from something one does a couple of times a week to something one does a few times day — or, to be more specific, because frequency isn’t really what’s at issue, when it stops being a natural urge (and activity) and becomes something which feels more like a compulsion that can’t be overcome.
The question, then, shouldn’t be “how do I stop masturbating?” because you very likely shouldn’t. Rather it is, “how can I regain a healthy relationship with the natural activity of masturbation?”*
The Ancient Greek Stoics viewed masculinity (and femininity) not through the lens of actions which they judged to be masculine or not, but through the fulfilment of roles — roles which were well-reasoned to.
A man wasn’t a man because he was a soldier, he was a man because he was a soldier in an “appropriate” way (remembering that “appropriate” means “in a way that can be seen as sage-like”). This meant that a soldier could “be a man”, but so too could a shopkeeper, a statesman, a fisherman, or a court jester.
Another way in which manliness or womanliness was judged was in relation to their Justness.
The Stoic concept of Justice is not as narrowly limited as our contemporary understanding of Justice. To we contemporary people, Justice has something to do with courts, police officers, the law, and crime & punishment — and while these things are encompassed within the Stoic concept of Justice, they are merely a part of it.
To the Stoics, Justice refers to how we, as individual human beings, interact with other individual human beings. How I treat my mother, for example, or how you treat your best friend.
There’s a Just way of treating others and an un-Just way of treating them. Likewise, there is a Just way to be a human, and a Just way to be, for example, a teacher or firefighter.
So, when we’re judging a man’s masculinity, or a woman’s femininity, we are not (as Stoics) meant to do so by assessing their strength, sexual prowess, attractiveness, beard, smooth skin, or any other stupid superficial thing. We are meant, instead, to judge (in part) their Justness.
Do they fill their roles Justly? Do they care for others Justly? Do they show up in life like Just men and women would? If they do, then they “are manly” or they “are womanly.”
Masturbating is not, I say again, un-Stoic, un-masculine, or un-feminine. Masturbation is a naturally expressed human behaviour and you don’t need to stop doing it in order to “be a good Stoic.” The Stoics did not believe that masturbation was a temptation sent by God to test your piety or fealty to God — that’s not how Stoicism works.
It is my opinion, as a man who is neither a psychologist or psychiatrist, that “masturbation addiction” is quite likely to stem from a lack of joy in one’s life. Orgasms are, without argument, quite enjoyable. Since they can be brought about (in ourselves, by ourselves) with no great effort, and when the rest of our life seems to be shit, one can understand why this one enjoyable thing might be allowed to gain some power over us.
There's an opportunity cost to masturbation (just like there is to anything)
If you're masturbating, you're not doing something else. If you're masturbating all the time, you're not doing a lot of "something elses". I think this necessarily makes hobbies a big part of re-establishing of healthy relationship with masturbation, and I think it's best if these hobbies are not reclusive in nature.
Hiking, swimming, going on walks and exploring your own city, spending time with friends outdoors, these are hobbies that create their own opportunity cost (if you're doing them, you're not masturbating). They also have the added benefit of removing you from the environment where you (likely) usually masturbate.
Ask anyone who has ever overcome drug addiction, hobbies, friends, distractions, these are important, let's call them, "phase one" steps to overcoming compulsive or addictive behaviour.
I want you to take four things away from this article:
1. Masturbation isn't wrong, unmanly/feminine, or un-Stoic. It is a natural human behaviour and enjoying it an appropriate amount isn't a sin, vice, or whatever other word some people might assign to it. Sometimes you just need to cum, and there's nothing wrong with fulfilling this desire. It only matters that you're the one in control and not your urges or desire, you're consciously choosing to masturbate rather than being compelled to.
2. There's more to life than orgasms. Stoics enjoy Nature, fulfil their duties to the Cosmopolis, seek knowledge, and care for their Circles of Concern. These things bring joy, and keeping this mind can be helpful during moments when you're looking for justificatoins not to masturbate.
3. Hobbies and friends are sources of joy. You're masturbating when you could be playing skee-ball at the fair, or watching a movie with friends, or learning how to play the ukulele. Do you really want to choose masturbation over these other things? Logically, you know you don't, so throw yourself into joyous distractions as a way of getting the ball rolling and making some progress towards reducing your masturbating.
4. Professional help may be needed. If you are genuinely addicted, you need to seek out a therapist or psychiatrist. Don't feel bad about it, and don't feel strange. Your psychiatrist masturbates - almost every person alive does... even non-human animals do it! I promise even Marcus Aurelius probably rubbed one out in a soggy snow-bedecked old tent on the battle field in the middle of winter while trying not to clang his chest-plate around too much and get caught by one of his soldiers. I'm being funny, but I hope you understand my point: if you're addicted to something, you will need outside guidance, and it's okay to need that help... it's appropriate to seek help when you need it... it's a vice not to.
Good luck out there, and remember: it's not about what you do or how much you do it, it's about whether or not you're the one in control of your choices.
----------------
* I'm not a mental health professional, so I don't know that this sort of "addiction" is what such professionals would classify as "actual" addiction. If it is a traditional addiction, then, in some cases complete abstinence may be required. Please connect with a health professional to determine the right approach for you
